Who are you? Who who who who?

Have I told you my life is kind of like CJ Craig’s on the West Wing. I feel my whole life has been about helping others put a positive spin on the things they have done with their lives. Ever there with a smile, and the strength to weather the storm. The strong, stable woman everyone depends on in a crisis, the friend who loves no matter the situation. And that’s a good thing, it’s a very good thing. It’s her special gift to give people, granted for a short time ( a term)… but it’s hers and she gives it willingly.

But then there’s the regrets she has…the things she has done that were just “not her” things she has nobody to apologise to but herself. Compromises she has made for the “greater good” or for the fulfilment of other peoples happiness. People she’s neglected, friends she’s lost, mistakes she’s made. Silences she had when she should have spoken out, or times she should have kept silent. These things she carries close to her heart. These things are often the source of the pain she carries that nobody else understands.

I told a friend recently you can’t have pleasure without the pain. And the more I’ve been getting into the West Wing, I can see that in CJ’s character. For the most part she’s a very happy person… but consistently her happiness is founded upon making others happy. And it’s sometimes been at the expense of her happiness.

I’ve been rather sick for a while now, which most of my friends know. It’s been awful, and I’m very very much over it. The doctors think they may have found something, but it has involved more blood tests and most likely will involve at least one specialist. Hopefully I will know on Tuesday what is going on. What it has done is enable me to think…way too much time to think these past two weeks. It’s made me think about who am I really? Am I really the sum of my mistakes? Am I really the sum of the happiness others have because of the storms I’ve helped them weather? Am I so much more than that? Who am I really? And what is it that I have to offer?

Over the past week or so, I’ve thought heavily about some of the decisions I’ve made over the past few years…and how they’ve affected the woman I see myself as. One in particular has changed how I think of myself, and at the time I made it, I really thought it was the right choice, that it would help bring a lot of happiness, and for a short while it really did. But the pleasure comes with a lot of pain too right? And I look back now and there is a lot of pain there…but the thing is, I’m not sure I wouldn’t make the same decision again if I had the chance. It bought a lot of happiness to others, and a lot of happiness at the time for me. Looking back, I wonder whether the others will see the happiness it bought them, and the cost it was to who Sarah is as a person?

I live by the “forget regrets or life is yours to miss” philosophy of life. And forgiveness comes strongly to those who seek it. So I do not regret the decisions I’ve made…they’ve led me to the place I am now, and the woman I am each day becoming.

But reflecting on this these past few weeks has helped me to realize, there are things still left unsaid to some people, things that I don’t think should be left unsaid. Doors left to close, windows yet to be opened. Whatever may become of these conversations, I say “let it be”.

We must not leave things unsaid to those we care about. When was the last time you told someone you loved them? I’m not talking about your kids (I hope you tell them every day) or your partner, I mean the people who have changed your lives. There’s someone I know who has changed my life and I’ve never told them, I’ve never thanked them, or told them just how much I love or care for them.

So, this next season for me, will be about saying what needs to be said. Closing the doors for some. Opening the windows for others. And I’m excited by the possibilities that will bring.

Every decision you make shapes who you are…the good and the bad. You need to allow God to show you the ways in which those decisions have shaped you and how He will use them to make this world a better place. Just like He has been showing me.
Bless you my dear friends, bless you a lot! Xxx :-)