Turned a Whiter Shade of Pale

Well as most of my “readers” and friends would know, I’ve been really sick for months now. I recently found out I have a disease of my thyroid, and was told if it was left untreated I could have died. My heart scare helped me realize how right that is, as your entire body reacts to this disease. And I’m very lucky, and I might add, blessed that it was diagnosed when it was. Because it was at the bad end of the disease, heading towards dangerous apparently, according to other sufferers of this illness.

One of the symptoms/side-effects of this disease is massive anxiety. And I can’t even tell you how hard it is to literally feel like the room is closing in on you and that there is impending doom. This is the most recent symptom to me (as if all the others weren’t bad enough, I’m walking around pale as anything!!) and I’d like to say it’s one that as a Christian I can overcome, but so far prayer is not taking this anxiety away – it’s physiological not psychological.

Anyway, it got me thinking about how dark this world is for some people. What a horrible place to be, to not have hope for the future. What a horrible place to be to not know that there is a God who loves you and will look after you. What a horrible place to be not knowing where you will go if you were to die tonight.

I kind of joke with people about my disease, partly that’s a defence mechanism, but partly it’s because I know how blessed I am to be in a place where the future is in control, God has His hand upon me, and even if the worst happened, I know exactly where I’ll be.

Throughout this health saga I’ve experienced, I’ve also come to the conclusion that Jesus is the only one I’m going to cling to. Friends and family may fail you. Your health may fail you. Your job most certainly will at some point. But Jesus, wow, Jesus will never fail you.

Praise God for that! :)

Conservatively Liberal!

You know, there are many labels that we're given. Tall, short, fat, thin, lazy, hard-working, smart, dumb. So many labels. Some labels are good and others bad.

As Christians, we carry labels also - hypocrite, compassionate, "good"... or labels like "conservative" or "liberal" or "fundamentalist" or "zealot". Oh how often I've been stuck with a label in a derogatory manner. And those labels sometimes "stick" and cause me to question who I am.

My friend and I see the world through very different eyes, and yet he is probably one of the people I most respect. I always get the giggles when we're in class together because we come at the same point from completely different angles and yet most often agree with each other on the main point. He will always fight from a Scriptural perspective, I from a justice perspective, and yet at the end of the day we agree.

In class on Monday the discussion was centred around "Evangelism" and "Social Action" - and it became evident that a little bit of knowledge can be a dangerous thing. My friend and I of course got massively defensive about our point of views, and it dawned on me at the end of the day, we were arguing the same point, and it was vastly different from the point of those sitting in the middle of the argument!

My friend made the comment that we both fight from a point of our experience and our strong views. He made the observation that he is a liberal conservative and I am a conservative liberal. And there lies the truth...we may see the world from different perspectives, but at the end of the day, it is our strong views and life experience that brings us to a point of agreeance - that and Scripture which forms the foundation of our views and experience.

I've often been called a "liberal" in a very derogatory manner, however, my dear friend has helped me come to a point where I am proud to be called a "conservative liberal". My passion, my experience and my strong opinions form who I am.

Another friend recently told me not to be like all the other girls who "dumb themselves down" in order to be liked. I don't ever want to do that. I don't want to change my views out of fear of being labelled a "liberal" or a "fundo" if I disagree with the liberals! I am who I am. And all the passion and fire I have makes me who I am. And that's a pretty good person to be! :)

Goodbye my friend...you have been the one, you have been the one for me!

Well last night I said goodbye to a friend for a long while. And for the first time in my life, I realized the value of "grown up" relationships. You know the type - where you talk about things maturely, not make some dramatic scene.

My friend is an amazing person. He is wise and compassionate and loving and very kind. But he is so unsure of himself and so unable to see the brilliant man I, and I assume so many others see. And I was actually able to tell him that, without fear that he was going to read into it, or think I was a fool. I'm sad that I won't get to see him for a long time. And saying goodbye to friends is really hard. I know that whenever God allows our paths to cross again we will pick up where we left off with a whole lot of life stories to tell inbetween. And I know that he knows he can contact me whenever he needs to.

But what last night did was drive home to me what one of my recent blogs talked about - the value of telling people what they mean to you. Saying goodbye to someone often prompts you to say what you need to say, but we shouldn't wait until it's time to say goodbye. I should have told my friend what I thought of him before we had to say goodbye!

What a blessing friends are. While I've been sick I've really noticed what a blessing friends can be - the chats, and visits, and chocolate, and flowers, and food and hugs - have all helped see me through. But beyond that, friends are the people who know who you really are and choose to love you.

So from now, let's not wait until it's time to part ways before we thank people for the part they play in our lives. To remind them that they are put in our lives for a purpose and a reason. That they are the people God has chosen for you.

Is There Anyone Out There..Cos it's gettin' Harder and harder to breathe!

It's been an interesting few weeks. My health continues to deteriorate, and with it comes a bit of depression - you know the whole "Everyone is out there having fun and I'm cooped up in the house" sort of depression. Nothing too bad, just a bit meh you know?

My Training Principal sent me an email today to find out how I was going, and asked the question - "How's your soul?" Before I started at Training College, that question would have scared me, I mean what is the right answer?! But the longer I've been at College, and have come to expect that question from our TP, the more I realize honesty is the best policy on this one.

So I guess right now my soul is clinging desperately to a God who I know can heal. A God who is so much bigger than any issue we might face. A God who looks at me and says "Sarah your soul is fine, you're going to make it!" And the more I cling, the more at peace I become with where my soul is at. I'm assured of a Saviour who leads me through all things and will never leave me or forsake me...and because of that, I'm free.

Am I happy with my life as it currently is? No, of course not! I don't know anybody who given my situation would say they are truly "happy". But I am saved, and I am free. I refuse to let this illness, or the pressure from others to just "get better" (trust me I really really would love to!) get me down.

Whilst over the past few weeks I've been finding it hard to breathe (literally at times) I am assured that this will one day all be part of my testimony. I know that there's someone "out there" within my reach who's helping me to fight, even when it feels as though my body is losing the battle, I know my soul i s not. And one day this will be able to say to others "I faced darkness once before, and the fear that closed in on me each day, but I made it and so will you." I'm trying to focus on the light...

So my question is to you, given what you are facing right now - all the trials life throws at you... how's your soul?

Who are you? Who who who who?

Have I told you my life is kind of like CJ Craig’s on the West Wing. I feel my whole life has been about helping others put a positive spin on the things they have done with their lives. Ever there with a smile, and the strength to weather the storm. The strong, stable woman everyone depends on in a crisis, the friend who loves no matter the situation. And that’s a good thing, it’s a very good thing. It’s her special gift to give people, granted for a short time ( a term)… but it’s hers and she gives it willingly.

But then there’s the regrets she has…the things she has done that were just “not her” things she has nobody to apologise to but herself. Compromises she has made for the “greater good” or for the fulfilment of other peoples happiness. People she’s neglected, friends she’s lost, mistakes she’s made. Silences she had when she should have spoken out, or times she should have kept silent. These things she carries close to her heart. These things are often the source of the pain she carries that nobody else understands.

I told a friend recently you can’t have pleasure without the pain. And the more I’ve been getting into the West Wing, I can see that in CJ’s character. For the most part she’s a very happy person… but consistently her happiness is founded upon making others happy. And it’s sometimes been at the expense of her happiness.

I’ve been rather sick for a while now, which most of my friends know. It’s been awful, and I’m very very much over it. The doctors think they may have found something, but it has involved more blood tests and most likely will involve at least one specialist. Hopefully I will know on Tuesday what is going on. What it has done is enable me to think…way too much time to think these past two weeks. It’s made me think about who am I really? Am I really the sum of my mistakes? Am I really the sum of the happiness others have because of the storms I’ve helped them weather? Am I so much more than that? Who am I really? And what is it that I have to offer?

Over the past week or so, I’ve thought heavily about some of the decisions I’ve made over the past few years…and how they’ve affected the woman I see myself as. One in particular has changed how I think of myself, and at the time I made it, I really thought it was the right choice, that it would help bring a lot of happiness, and for a short while it really did. But the pleasure comes with a lot of pain too right? And I look back now and there is a lot of pain there…but the thing is, I’m not sure I wouldn’t make the same decision again if I had the chance. It bought a lot of happiness to others, and a lot of happiness at the time for me. Looking back, I wonder whether the others will see the happiness it bought them, and the cost it was to who Sarah is as a person?

I live by the “forget regrets or life is yours to miss” philosophy of life. And forgiveness comes strongly to those who seek it. So I do not regret the decisions I’ve made…they’ve led me to the place I am now, and the woman I am each day becoming.

But reflecting on this these past few weeks has helped me to realize, there are things still left unsaid to some people, things that I don’t think should be left unsaid. Doors left to close, windows yet to be opened. Whatever may become of these conversations, I say “let it be”.

We must not leave things unsaid to those we care about. When was the last time you told someone you loved them? I’m not talking about your kids (I hope you tell them every day) or your partner, I mean the people who have changed your lives. There’s someone I know who has changed my life and I’ve never told them, I’ve never thanked them, or told them just how much I love or care for them.

So, this next season for me, will be about saying what needs to be said. Closing the doors for some. Opening the windows for others. And I’m excited by the possibilities that will bring.

Every decision you make shapes who you are…the good and the bad. You need to allow God to show you the ways in which those decisions have shaped you and how He will use them to make this world a better place. Just like He has been showing me.
Bless you my dear friends, bless you a lot! Xxx :-)

Resting in the Saviours Arms

Today is a struggle. I’m overwhelmed with fear that I know is not of God. 

I am thankful that God is in control, which was confirmed to me when I opened Lotus Notes and found today’s bible verse was:

 

Today's Bible Verse - Proverbs 29:25

“Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe.”

 

I praise God that as I trust in Him, He will keep me safe!! Hallelujah!

ICES Discipleship Principals

Today's Training Principal Lecture was Part One of a Two-Part series on "Discipleship".

Most, if not all Christians would state that discipleship is a crucial aspect of the Christian journey. However, few would state that they feel they have been discipled well, or that they themselves know how to disciple others.

Captain Stephen Court (our Training Principal) read the following quote, and I (as well as many of my fellow Ambassadors) believe it holds the key to effective for and by Salvationists:

“Great crowds of working people came to hear me preach; a large number were convinced of sin by the Holy Spirit, and many of them responded to my invitations to come to Christ for salvation. Encouraged by what I saw in Whitechapel, and finding other parts of the Metropolis equally necessitous, I visited some of them, with equally gratifying results. Much enthusiasm was created and many of the converts became my regular coworkers. These I met regularly every week, personally instructing them in the things of God, counselling them in the difficulties that they had to contend with, encouraging them to persevere, and showing them how to do the work they had undertaken. Some of the converts resided in other parts of London, and they soon commenced themselves to hold meetings, and to win souls in their own localities. I was entreated to care for these also... I was... driven to select men and women who I knew to be lovers of souls and living holy lives, for the purpose of caring for these new converts... The Lord was with them in great power, and hundreds of wicked and godless people were converted and united together in separate societies." (General William Booth)

From this quote, we were challenged to come up with an acronym that would suggest the key discipleship principles for Salvationists as according to General Booth.

ICES is the acronym we came up with.

I = Intentional - General Booth met with these new converts weekly, in order to disciple them.
C = Counsel - General Booth counselled them in the difficulties they were experiencing.
E = Encourage - General Booth encouraged them to persevere.
S = Show - General Booth showed them how to do the work they had undertaken.

This is a simple and yet effective way to disciple those in your sphere of influence. Be intentional in discipling those you wish to invest in, do life with them - counsel, encourage and show them how to get the job done. Then, encourage them to replicate this with people in their sphere of influence, people they will disciple.

Leader or Manager?

One of the very fortunate things about being a Cadet in the Australia Southern Territory is that you have access to one of the world’s greatest leaders – General Eva Burrows.  General Burrows was a significant leader not just for The Salvation Army, but her influence was used worldwide – not in spite of her being a woman – but because she was a woman.  I know many non-Salvationists, and indeed non-Christians who admire General Burrows and the way in which she was able to achieve for Women and as a woman.

General Burrows ran our Christian Leadership A class last week at College.  I took copious notes, and will gladly share those if you email me or ask me for them.  But I want to focus on one thing that she talked about, which challenged, affirmed and inspired me in my leadership.

She quoted a retiring Admiral from the American Navy who said:

“The Trouble with the American Navy is there are too many managers and not enough leaders.”

General Burrows stated that the difference between a leader and a manager is that a leader sets a vision and inspires and influences people to follow that vision, whereas a manager aims to maintain and control.  She said that Stephen Covey states that:

“Managers are people who do things right, Leaders are people who do the right things.”

That got me thinking – I have served under many Officers who are “managers” in The Salvation Army.  Even some who felt as though they were setting a vision, were in fact actually just managing their team to an outcome.  True spiritual leaders have been harder to come by.

True leaders are servant-hearted.  They look to Jesus for an example of how to lead, and find that Jesus in modelling leadership to His disciples, got down on His knees and washed the feet of His followers.  Jesus spent a lot of time in prayer. To be a true leader, we need to follow Jesus. We need to pray, we need to humble ourselves and serve others.  And we need to trust that God who places a vision in our heart will equip us to bear fruit through that vision.  

I believe, that the trouble with The Salvation Army today is that there are too many managers and not enough leaders.  But I truly believe that is changing.  I believe there is a renewal of spirit in the Army and that God is refreshing the vision for The Salvation Army. 

I believe our best days are ahead of us, not behind us. 

I believe that the Emergent view – that focus not on God being found in the Corps building, but in serving our community with the love of God, actively spreading the Good News (not to grow our Corps Sunday meetings, but to grow the Kingdom of God )– is going to bring about a  new revolution in The Army that takes us back to the numbers of transformations seen in early days. 

Why do I believe this? Because each day I am in community with 25 other Ambassadors of Holiness and a Training College filled with staff who are challenged, challenging and inspired to bring about God’s Kingdom on earth – and the early vision of The Salvation Army – To Win The World For Jesus! 

37 people have come to know Christ as a direct result of Ambassadors of Holiness & College Staff being motivated by that vision, and following Jesus’ model for leadership since we started College this year.  But we’re believing for more.

Are you going to be a leader? Will you buy into this vision? Or are you happy to continue managing?

Is it time to call a spade a spade?

We’re currently doing the Hands that Heal training in sex-traffiking in preparation for the Brothel Chaplaincy ministry some of us female Cadets are about to take up.

Perri (our dear friend, and great trainer!) was talking about how we need to call these things for what they are. So instead of saying Sex-worker, we need to say Prostituted Person or Victim (thanks to Estelle & Captain Steve Court for pointing out the difference between prostitute and prostituted person). Instead of saying “client” we need to call them “Perpetrator”. This goes against a lot of my social work training – where we’re taught to use “politically correct terms”. It’s a challenge for me, but I have been thinking a lot about this, and I honestly think it’s important to do this.

The terms we use today have totally “normalized” what sex-work is. IT’s made it as though what is happening is okay – and whilst at no point would I EVER judge a woman who has wound up in prostitution, I do think that by normalizing it, we make out that it’s okay that there are people who are willing to pay for sex – who are willing to devalue the life of another for their own personal gratitude.

Just after I started thinking this through, I caught the last 5 minutes of a TV show called ‘Secret Diary of a Call Girl’. It’s essentially about a call girl and her life. It seemed to have quite a “positive” message at the end of this show – that the decisions this girl had made, cost her greatly in relationships – that she was unable to keep a relationship as a result of her line of work.

So, thinking I might actually be able to use this to strengthen my prep work for this ministry, I jumped online and watched a few episodes of the show – and it really really upset me! For one thing, it not only normalizes prostitution and the men who pay for sex – it actually GLAMOURIZES it! I am quite concerned about this being seen as a “good option” for people who want to make good money. The danger of “normalizing” prostitution is that it:
(a) devalues those who are forced into this work – either because they are traffiked, or they feel it is their worth, or they have addiction problems etc.
and
(b) it makes it okay for men to exploit women for sex – for them to commit adultery with another woman (because surely it’s not adultery if they pay for it – WHAT?!?!)

One of the lines the character said at the beginning of the first episode was that she didn’t get into it because she was “touched” by some relative or something along those lines.

The thing is – I’ve met and become friends with a fair few prostitutes in my time. Not ONE of them started working because it was a “good” option. Every one I have met is an abuse victim – either sexual or physical – and prostitution is either what they think they are worth (their worth is in offering sex to men) or it’s a way of regaining power – they own their body.

One of the social workers I worked with in the past was a “madam” in a brothel, and she told me that every girl she ever worked with had some form of abuse in her life. That “normal” girls don’t “choose” that line of work – because it is often degrading and lonely work.

I’m not saying that 100% of girls who become prostitutes are abuse victims – but this show makes out like it’s “normal” for a girl to choose to work as a prostitute for money – and those girls are the minority not the majority.

So whilst this TV show does attempt to show some of the “darker” sides of prostitution – it still normalizes it – it still says that it’s okay – and the fact of the matter is that it’s not. It’s not ok to degrade someone by paying them for sex. You are a perpetrator, not a “client”. It is not okay to think your worth is to sell yourself for sex. You are worth so very much more than this.

I’m working on my language – but the truth of the matter is this – God loves each and every one of the women that we are about to start ministering to. He longs for them to know their worth, that He created them for a greater purpose and that He longs to bring them to a fullness in themselves. There’s no condemnation in Christ’s eyes, only love and a desire for so much more for their lives. So as we go in to these brothels, the message I’ll bring is “You are beautiful with God’s beauty, beautiful inside and out. God is with you” (Luke 1:28 – The Message).

So from here on in – I’m going to call a spade a spade. I’m going to de-normalize prostitution. Not out of judgement of the women involved – but out of pure concern that society thinks that this is okay – which I’m fairly sure grieves the heart of God.

What’s in a Name anyway?

 

So I’m sitting in theology at the moment, we’re talking about the different names of God.  (I’m not on the internet, I have this really handy thing called Windows Live Writer – download it, it’s live blogging at it’s best!) It’s an interesting one, because in our limited language skills we would never be able to fully and adequately describe all of who God is.

 

When talking to Abraham, God names Himself YHWH (or Yahweh), which translated means “I am” (or “I am who I am”).  We are learning that Jewish people do not mention the name YHWH, because it is the holiest of holy names.  Wow! Imagine having something SO holy you couldn’t even mention it! They got around this by talking about Jireh (God who provides), Rohi (The Lord is my Shepherd), Shalom (The Lord is peace). 

Also, in Bible times, the Jewish people would use the word “El”, the common word of the day that was used to describe the gods.  So God becomes El-Shaddai (God of the mountains – or the Almighty God), El-Roi (the God who sees), El-Olam (God of eternity or the eternal God). 

 

Each of these names have a story to them.  For example, Jireh – God who provides – was the name that Abraham used for God after He spared Isaac from being sacrificed (Genesis 22), God is a God who provides.  Or El-Roi – was the name Hagar used when she was sent away by Abraham & Sarah after the birth of Ishmael – and she cried out to God who saw her – thus – the God who sees.

We were challenged to think about what words we would use to describe God.  For me, I guess it would be most in-line with Hagar – to me, God sees me, for what I am, who I am – but beyond that – God loves who He sees.

What would be the names you would use to describe God – who is God for you? Is He the God who cares? The God who sees? The God who challenges? If you had to name God – what would the name be that you would choose?

Black Saturday

Well it’s been a while since I wrote.  Partly it’s because I’ve known what I’ve wanted to cover, but not really known how to say it.

The tragic events of Black Saturday are at the forefront of so many people’s minds, even now, over a month after they happened. It’s hard to find someone in Victoria who hasn’t either lost a loved one, or know of someone who has.  I guess that’s what happens when at least 210 people lose their lives and over 7,000 people are left displaced.

The Salvation Army Training College sent us Cadets out to serve in the various Relief Centres around Victoria.  This was an absolute privilege and the frustrating thing was how limited we were in the help we could offer.

That brings me though to what I want to write about.  The most frustrating thing of all of it for me, was how many times I heard various volunteers say “I did this” or “I did that” or “I got to…” like there is some badge of honour for the work that was being done.  The flip side of this was the people who would complain “I was only folding clothes” or “I didn’t even meet a survivor of the fires, I was stuck cleaning all day!” 

We should not put our hands up to help at these things if at the end of the day it is about me feeling like a good person.  It’s not a matter of glamour people – or something to write home about – something to brag about.  Naturally everyone wants to help in times of crisis, but at the end of the day – it’s not about you. 

God calls us to love and serve.  Sometimes that service will involve folding clothes, other times it will involve sitting with a survivor who is struggling to make sense of what has just happened. 

Let’s remember, at the end of the day – it’s not about us – it’s about loving and serving those who lost everything – no matter how “glamorous” our part in that was.

To Be Holy...

So today we had a rehearsal for our Welcome to Cadets on Sunday afternoon. Basically it's a celebration of the people in our Session and their decision to follow God's call to become Salvation Army Officers. It's kind of a big deal for the Army world.

Anyway, we were singing our Sessional Song - an awesome song written by Marty Mikles, and Brian Hogg was conducting us and urged us to really listen to the words. He commented on one of the lines that says "May our lives be the reflection of who You are", and he got us to think about the word THE being used there where usually people would say A. May our lives be THE reflection of who Christ is. WOW! Not some namby-pamby glimpse of the reflection of Christ, but THE reflection.

The song has been written to inspire and challenge the Ambassadors of Holiness. We're called to be holy, as Christ is holy. That's quite a challenge. If it's achieved, our lives truly can be the the reflection of who Christ is.

So over the next two years, that's what I'm praying for... I'm praying that I will be able to be the reflection of Christ. That when people look at me, they have an encounter with the Saviour of the world.

Suck It Up Princess!!!

Okay so I've just gotten through my first week of classes at Colelge - granted they are Orientation, but to be honest, I've been blessed every step of the way. There's not been one day or one thing we've done that's made me go "ugh" and even the "house duties" (cleaning) isn't all that bad... when you know why you're here and you have CHOSEN to have a good attitude about things, it really does make a difference.

For example - we've been given the "Stoke It Up Challenge" which basically is our Training Principal's way of getting us (a) working as a team and (b) to challenge ourselves out of our comfort zone. Some of you Australia Southern guys will know that this challenge caused quite the "outrage" a few years ago when it was first given, and people were annoyed or frustrated or scared or whatever to take it for what it is. Yes there are some things on the challenge that are said kind of in jest - but kind of not - things like using Phillips Airways (ie teleporting yourself) because lets face it - if any of us had the faith to actually do it - we totally would! Some people are offended by the suggestion we can raise the dead... I question why? Jesus did, the disciples did, the bible says that we can do all things Jesus did - so why be offended? Has anyone I know seen anyone raised from the dead? No! But something tells me that these things are on the list, not because it would be cool to see them happen - but as an exercise in testing our faith. Do we really believe what the bible says about what we can do? And if so, do we have the faith to act on it even if it means we "fail"?

There are a few people who have been a bit negative about the activity. I just simply don't see why! I think it's a good thing to get us working as teams and getting out onto the streets doing things to stretch us, our faith and our experience of God.

I will admit that tonight I was taken WAAAAYYYYY out of my comfort zone...like ridiculously so! My friend Rachel and I took the challenge to the streets of St Kilda tonight, and tried our hand at street evangelism. Neither of us are really keen on this form of evangelism, basically as we don't feel we are very good at it. We went and asked God to stretch us... and stretch us He did! We chatted to a few people who were happy to say hi but that was it, a man who chatted to us for a while about his ailments but wouldn't allow us to pray for him, and a Salvo guy I'd known from my childhood.

We were starting to lose a bit of faith in the activity and I'll admit I was starting to feel a bit negative when three things happened:
1. I was reminded gently in my spirit of the nickname we'd come up with for the challenge (to challenge those who were negative about it) - that being the "Suck It Up" challenge - and I said to myself "Suck it Up Princess - do the task"...
2. My friend Rachel said to me "Maybe this is a test of our faith and perserverance".
3. Not long after that, we met a man who initiated the God conversation after we introduced ourselves! He was 99.9% sure there was a God he just needed PROOF. So we chatted to him for ages, sharing our testimonies and talking about what we believe. Then we got to pray for him!! What an awesome God we serve! A God who is ever wanting to show up for us when we start to doubt ourselves!

So my new message to myself is Suck It Up Princess!! You can't be a warrior princess if you are too scared to get out of your comfort zone.

I challenge you to do the same...find something you're not so sure about and do it!! God will be faithful, even if the lesson is perserverance! :)

Blessings to you all xoxoxxo

I'm Talking to the (Wo)Man In The Mirror

Man, God's really been kicking my butt about a few things lately. About a massive sin I've been trying to hide. The reality is that I can't hide it anymore, becuase it's hurting me and it's hurting others.

That sin is caring more about what some people think of me than I do about what GOD thinks of me. That sin is believing the lies that have been sewn in my heart, lies that I'm too much and not enough all at the same time. Lies that if people really knew me they wouldn't like me. Lies that I'm not worthy to be an officer, or a Christian, or anything of value.

The funny thing is, I spend half my life speaking TRUTH into young girls lives. Telling them what their worth is, that Christ loves and believes in them, that Christ thinks they're highly favoured, that they are enough, that they can do anytihng Christ requires of them with His strength. But when I look in the mirror I realize that I haven't been believing that truth for myself.

The biggest problem is, that the enemy has been using so many different ways to "confirm" the lies to me. Friends telling me I'm not a good enough friend, friends totally changing the way they look at me - if they even look at me anymore, people talking behind my back, people distancing themselves from me. Some of these are very real, written in black and white, some are my interpretation of something that perhaps isn't really even happening... perhaps the other persons side looks totally different, I honestly wouldn't know because I'm too caught up in believing the lie the situation has confirmed to me.

Tonight, that happened. And as I was lying in bed just now, the lines from that Michael Jackson song sprung to mind "I'm starting with the man in the mirror, I'm asking him to change his ways, And no message could have been any clearer, if you wanna make this workd a better place, take a look at yourself and then make the change"

So to the woman staring back at me in the mirror...and perhaps to the man or woman staring back at YOU in the mirror.

You are worthy.
You are enough.
You are not too much.
People do know the real you and they like you.
You are a daughter (or perhaps for you son) of the most High God.
You are reedeemed and forgiven.
You are highly favoured.

I'm going to try to stop trying to be who everyone else wants me to be, and remember who Christ wants me to be. I'm going to try to stop worrying that my friends don't like me, or stressing over petty arguments with people. I'm gong to make ammends when I am wrong, and seek forgiveness. But I'm going to let go when I am right. There's no need for justice, that's God's business. I'm going to start listening to what God thinks of me, and the truth in that.

And for some of the girls I've been chatting to about this - I want you to do the same! - we'll pray the simple prayer every day until it becomes such a part of us that we don't even have to question it anymore:

God,
Forgive me for caring more about what others think of me than what You do.
Help me to realize my worth in You.
Help me to help others realize their worth in You.
Thank you that in Your eyes, I am enough, I am worthy, and I am loved.
Amen.