Turned a Whiter Shade of Pale

Well as most of my “readers” and friends would know, I’ve been really sick for months now. I recently found out I have a disease of my thyroid, and was told if it was left untreated I could have died. My heart scare helped me realize how right that is, as your entire body reacts to this disease. And I’m very lucky, and I might add, blessed that it was diagnosed when it was. Because it was at the bad end of the disease, heading towards dangerous apparently, according to other sufferers of this illness.

One of the symptoms/side-effects of this disease is massive anxiety. And I can’t even tell you how hard it is to literally feel like the room is closing in on you and that there is impending doom. This is the most recent symptom to me (as if all the others weren’t bad enough, I’m walking around pale as anything!!) and I’d like to say it’s one that as a Christian I can overcome, but so far prayer is not taking this anxiety away – it’s physiological not psychological.

Anyway, it got me thinking about how dark this world is for some people. What a horrible place to be, to not have hope for the future. What a horrible place to be to not know that there is a God who loves you and will look after you. What a horrible place to be not knowing where you will go if you were to die tonight.

I kind of joke with people about my disease, partly that’s a defence mechanism, but partly it’s because I know how blessed I am to be in a place where the future is in control, God has His hand upon me, and even if the worst happened, I know exactly where I’ll be.

Throughout this health saga I’ve experienced, I’ve also come to the conclusion that Jesus is the only one I’m going to cling to. Friends and family may fail you. Your health may fail you. Your job most certainly will at some point. But Jesus, wow, Jesus will never fail you.

Praise God for that! :)

Conservatively Liberal!

You know, there are many labels that we're given. Tall, short, fat, thin, lazy, hard-working, smart, dumb. So many labels. Some labels are good and others bad.

As Christians, we carry labels also - hypocrite, compassionate, "good"... or labels like "conservative" or "liberal" or "fundamentalist" or "zealot". Oh how often I've been stuck with a label in a derogatory manner. And those labels sometimes "stick" and cause me to question who I am.

My friend and I see the world through very different eyes, and yet he is probably one of the people I most respect. I always get the giggles when we're in class together because we come at the same point from completely different angles and yet most often agree with each other on the main point. He will always fight from a Scriptural perspective, I from a justice perspective, and yet at the end of the day we agree.

In class on Monday the discussion was centred around "Evangelism" and "Social Action" - and it became evident that a little bit of knowledge can be a dangerous thing. My friend and I of course got massively defensive about our point of views, and it dawned on me at the end of the day, we were arguing the same point, and it was vastly different from the point of those sitting in the middle of the argument!

My friend made the comment that we both fight from a point of our experience and our strong views. He made the observation that he is a liberal conservative and I am a conservative liberal. And there lies the truth...we may see the world from different perspectives, but at the end of the day, it is our strong views and life experience that brings us to a point of agreeance - that and Scripture which forms the foundation of our views and experience.

I've often been called a "liberal" in a very derogatory manner, however, my dear friend has helped me come to a point where I am proud to be called a "conservative liberal". My passion, my experience and my strong opinions form who I am.

Another friend recently told me not to be like all the other girls who "dumb themselves down" in order to be liked. I don't ever want to do that. I don't want to change my views out of fear of being labelled a "liberal" or a "fundo" if I disagree with the liberals! I am who I am. And all the passion and fire I have makes me who I am. And that's a pretty good person to be! :)

Goodbye my friend...you have been the one, you have been the one for me!

Well last night I said goodbye to a friend for a long while. And for the first time in my life, I realized the value of "grown up" relationships. You know the type - where you talk about things maturely, not make some dramatic scene.

My friend is an amazing person. He is wise and compassionate and loving and very kind. But he is so unsure of himself and so unable to see the brilliant man I, and I assume so many others see. And I was actually able to tell him that, without fear that he was going to read into it, or think I was a fool. I'm sad that I won't get to see him for a long time. And saying goodbye to friends is really hard. I know that whenever God allows our paths to cross again we will pick up where we left off with a whole lot of life stories to tell inbetween. And I know that he knows he can contact me whenever he needs to.

But what last night did was drive home to me what one of my recent blogs talked about - the value of telling people what they mean to you. Saying goodbye to someone often prompts you to say what you need to say, but we shouldn't wait until it's time to say goodbye. I should have told my friend what I thought of him before we had to say goodbye!

What a blessing friends are. While I've been sick I've really noticed what a blessing friends can be - the chats, and visits, and chocolate, and flowers, and food and hugs - have all helped see me through. But beyond that, friends are the people who know who you really are and choose to love you.

So from now, let's not wait until it's time to part ways before we thank people for the part they play in our lives. To remind them that they are put in our lives for a purpose and a reason. That they are the people God has chosen for you.

Is There Anyone Out There..Cos it's gettin' Harder and harder to breathe!

It's been an interesting few weeks. My health continues to deteriorate, and with it comes a bit of depression - you know the whole "Everyone is out there having fun and I'm cooped up in the house" sort of depression. Nothing too bad, just a bit meh you know?

My Training Principal sent me an email today to find out how I was going, and asked the question - "How's your soul?" Before I started at Training College, that question would have scared me, I mean what is the right answer?! But the longer I've been at College, and have come to expect that question from our TP, the more I realize honesty is the best policy on this one.

So I guess right now my soul is clinging desperately to a God who I know can heal. A God who is so much bigger than any issue we might face. A God who looks at me and says "Sarah your soul is fine, you're going to make it!" And the more I cling, the more at peace I become with where my soul is at. I'm assured of a Saviour who leads me through all things and will never leave me or forsake me...and because of that, I'm free.

Am I happy with my life as it currently is? No, of course not! I don't know anybody who given my situation would say they are truly "happy". But I am saved, and I am free. I refuse to let this illness, or the pressure from others to just "get better" (trust me I really really would love to!) get me down.

Whilst over the past few weeks I've been finding it hard to breathe (literally at times) I am assured that this will one day all be part of my testimony. I know that there's someone "out there" within my reach who's helping me to fight, even when it feels as though my body is losing the battle, I know my soul i s not. And one day this will be able to say to others "I faced darkness once before, and the fear that closed in on me each day, but I made it and so will you." I'm trying to focus on the light...

So my question is to you, given what you are facing right now - all the trials life throws at you... how's your soul?